A Father’s Fight: “I Was Ordered Not to Talk About Gender.”

Editor’s note: This article is based on an interview with the father and written materials he provided, including excerpts he says appear in court filings and communications, some of which were provided to us. Names of family members and identifying details have been withheld to protect minors. The children are referenced in the ways the father describes they currently identify, while noting that he disputes aspects of their care and the process that led to it. We reached out to the mother for comment; as of publication, she has not responded.

Medina, NY -- On a cold weekend morning, Ryan sits at his kitchen table staring at the calendar, two days outlined in thick pen. Saturday and Sunday. Every week, those boxes are the same: his visitation. Ryan is a war hero who's family has served since the Civil War. Ryan, who served 5 years in the Army as an Intelligence Collector during Operation Iraqi Freedom and New Dawn feels the war has "come home"

He calls visitation the only predictable part of a life that has become unrecognizable since his two children both assigned female at birth began identifying outside the sex they were born with. The oldest now identifies as nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. The youngest identifies as transgender. Ryan says both children once identified as lesbian, though he describes their sexual orientation as “not consistent” over time.

What haunts him most isn’t simply that their identities changed. It’s his belief that the change was shaped and then medically accelerated without his knowledge or consent, in a process he calls a “unilateral gender conversion.”

“I thought it was a phase,” he says. “I thought if I stayed steady, loved them, kept things calm, we’d get through it. But I wasn’t allowed to be a parent in the moments that mattered.”

It Began Ages 8–9

Ryan traces the first signs back to when his oldest was around 8 or 9. He remembers small statements, new interests, and a growing fixation on categories like sexuality, what labels meant, how identity could be rearranged.

By the time his child reached late elementary school, he says the interest hardened into obsession.

“There were graphics,” he recalls. “The genderbread man. All these charts about gender identity, expression, attraction. It became… everything.”

Ryan says that around fifth grade (2019 or 2020), one of his child’s teachers at school was transgender. He emphasizes he isn’t blaming a single educator, but believes the environment introduced concepts his child wasn’t developmentally ready to process.

“It was the first time gender stopped being something you just are which is biological truth,” he says, “and it became something you choose or just feel that day”

A New Name, A Social Transition, and Two Children on the Same Path

Around 2022, Ryan says one of his children began socially transitioning, adopting a boy’s name at school and in some social settings. Soon, both children were using new terms for themselves: one as nonbinary, one as transgender.

He describes it as startling not only because of the speed, but because it appeared to happen on parallel tracks.

“Two kids,” he says, “and suddenly I’m being told one is nonbinary and the other is trans. Both female. Both started out saying they were lesbian. And then it kept changing.”

Ryan says he tried to talk carefully with them asking what they felt, what they feared, what they hoped would happen. But he believes those conversations became riskier as conflict with his ex-partner escalated.

He alleges that he was required to use preferred pronouns and that court documents themselves were inconsistent in pronoun usage, which he says added to his sense that the system was enforcing language rules without clarity or agreement.

“You’re punished for getting a word wrong, even when the paperwork can’t keep it straight.”

Binding at 10–11, and a Growing Fear Something Else Was Wrong

The "Therapist" Ryan claims is "treating" his children.

Ryan says the youngest began chest binding at around age 10 or 11. He describes noticing changes in behavior: anxiety, withdrawal, heightened irritability. Over time, he says, the children also displayed signs of self-harm, and he became concerned about possible underlying mental illness that he felt was being overlooked.

He emphasizes he is not diagnosing them, He is describing what he observed; an emotional volatility that left him frightened.

“I saw distress that looked bigger than identity and nobody wanted to slow down long enough to ask why.”

He also claims at least one child “possibly both,” was seeing a therapist he considers a “quack” a term he uses to describe a clinician he believes affirmed gender claims quickly while dismissing broader mental-health concerns. He says both children are currently seeing a therapist and that he provided information about that care to us. The therapist (pictured above), self-describes as being "Kink Positive" and "Transgender friendly".

The Court Case: February 2024

Ryan says he initiated court proceedings in February 2024, seeking clarity, shared decision-making, and involvement in his children’s care. He believed he was asking for something simple: time, transparency, and caution especially if medical interventions were being considered that have been disproven to be evidence backed treatment. Instead, the conflict became more entrenched.

He alleges the mother claimed the children did not want him informed, and that this was treated as justification for excluding him from decisions. He says he was never asked whether he wanted to participate in treatment planning, and that he was unaware of critical details—including therapy and medications.

“I found out about puberty blockers before I ever heard there was a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. How does that happen?”

Ryan claims he also was not aware his children were taking antidepressant medication, nor was he consulted before therapy began. (We have not independently verified prescriptions or timelines; Ryan’s account is based on what he says he later learned through disclosures and court-related information.)

“Illness Imposed By Another”

A major fracture in Ryan’s story involves autism.

He alleges that the mother began taking at least one child to autism-related events and “autism parades,” creating what he calls “the illusion” that the child had autism. Ryan says the child was never formally diagnosed and “never tested positive,” though he acknowledges he is not the clinician and is relying on his understanding of records he has seen.

One line still stings years later. Ryan says the mother wrote, “Father does not care for special needs child.” He provided this as a direct quote.

He insists the statement was not just hurtful, it was strategic.

“It turns you into a villain,” he says. “And once you’re a villain, people stop asking if you should be included.”

A Judge-Assigned Family Therapist—and a Gag on Conversation

In the family court process, Ryan says a family therapist was assigned by the judge, separate from the children’s existing therapist(s). He hoped this would create a neutral space to slow down and evaluate what was happening.

Instead, he says, he experienced the opposite.

Ryan alleges the court reprimanded him when he attempted to discuss long-term consequences of medical transition with his child. He was ordered not to talk to the children about gender identity.

“I’m their dad. I’m supposed to help them think through decisions. But I was told I couldn’t.”

He describes a surreal dynamic: he says he was required to affirm language choices in order to maintain access, while being prohibited from asking questions that might challenge the trajectory of care.

Puberty Blockers: Beginning July 2024

Ryan, holding a sign outside the court house before a proceeding after his child already received two shots of puberty blockers.

The most urgent point in Ryan’s account is medical.

He says the youngest began Lupron, a medication that suppresses puberty-related hormones around July 2024 and has had at least four injections.

He alleges the medication timeline moved quickly: puberty blockers began only a few months after the first court appearance.

He also makes a politically charged allegation: that the process was sped up “before the primary election.” He believes there was urgency to begin treatment while scrutiny of pediatric gender medicine was rising nationwide. This claim reflects his interpretation; we have not independently confirmed the motive behind the timing.

Ryan’s core argument is developmental: he does not believe his child was old enough to understand long-term tradeoffs.

“I’m not saying kids don’t feel discomfort. I’m saying my child couldn’t possibly grasp fertility, sexual function, bone density, or future adulthood. When I tried to explain that, I got punished.”

“I Was Never Arrested Before This”

Ryan describes the conflict as a pressure-cooker that changed him financially, emotionally, and legally.

He says he had never been arrested for anything prior to this family crisis, but that the stress and fear led him to “make poor choices.” He frames it as the kind of unraveling that can happen when a person feels trapped in a system they can’t influence.

He also alleges that false claims were used to obtain an order of protection, which he says created physical distance and allowed what he calls "indoctrination” to occur without his presence.

“Separate the parent, then you can control the narrative and influence.”

Ryan currently has visitation every weekend, which he says is both a lifeline and a heartbreak because it also underscores what he believes was taken from him: equal footing in major decisions.

The Children at the Center

For all the legal and medical arguments, Ryan repeatedly returns to one theme: the children themselves.

He describes two kids he loves deeply; kids who, in his telling, are distressed, vulnerable, and navigating identity in a world that offers certainty through labels.

He says he worries that self-harm and mental-health concerns were treated as secondary to identity affirmation, rather than signals to slow down.

“I’m not at war with my kids, I’m at war with a process that told them there was one answer, and I couldn’t even ask questions.”

We Court Watched This Case

Our Executive Director, Dennis Emory Hannon was personally present in the court room during at least one appearance and spoke with Ryan's Counsel. While we cannot divulge on privileged attorney client information, what we witnessed was the defense using the Equal Rights Amendment recently passed in NY on November 5th to argue against any evidence being submitted to the court regarding gender identity. We warned this would happen with Prop1: ERA, and it did. The passing of the Equal Rights Amendment to the NYS Constitution was specifically mentioned during court proceedings.

The Verdict

Judge Thomas Williams

As of 1/8/26, we were informed by Ryan that he lost his case for custody, medical decision-making authority, and visitation access. This allows the child to continue with additional medical interventions. Judge Thomas Williams, who presided over the case, stated that one reason for this decision was that granting Ryan medical authority would restrict access to the children’s gender-affirming “care” and would negate the intent of the New York State Legislature. This rationale is based on the (heavily disputed) notion that affirmation is care. In our view, it is not - for the same reason we don’t “affirm” anorexia with liposuction. We believe the only people buying into this are those who are directly incentivized by a positive diagnosis of gender dysphoria, those who believe gender is purely a matter of thought, or both.

Request for Comment

We have reached out to the mother and will update this article if she responds.